The below post is a snapshot of a moment, of my walk, on the grieving trail...a trail that ends when it ends. Although it may read in tones of nonacceptance, desperation and extreme vulnerability, it is not a constant... it is however a truthful expression, as written from a state of mind that often drifts into me.
Journal90609: No more days of summer vacation left to scarcely cherish. This morning, awake and propped up in bed, I am alone and I feel alone. There is no one to ask me what I want to make of the day or to request my practical services around the house. The kids and I are left looking around, wondering if our past was just a dream, or just recollections of some novel that we had lost ourselves in. Absent are Denise’s doting arms of affection that once draped our necks, validating unquestionable Love. There’s no one to quote my insignificant advice, making me sound far more clever and intelligent than I truly am. It’s just me...alone and faded. Set adrift from a progressive love-dance, an honest embrace, that day-by-day created Camelot perpetualis.
Sometimes I sit at the traffic light sanely looking into small windows, allowing delusions to shatter my reality. I ignore logic and stay planted there, lost in my moment. I expect to see you drive by. I catch sight of a blurred silhouette, where if I squint, I can bend my interpretation. Sometimes a stranger gives me a fleeting reminder of you. It could be the texture or color of her hair, the fusion of clothing styles, or maybe nothing concrete that I can put my finger on. Still I’m left with this unreasonable wish: That somehow I can bring you back.
Eventually as these fantasies wander from the fiction of my empathetic mind, it’s still just me, awake and alone, propped up on my elbow, staring blankly out of an automobile window...
Occasionally these days, my fractured soul cries out in a cold and hollow drum… waiting for the overture, hearing only the diminishing echoes of a low and futile wail.
If you have not viewed the slideshow below, please scroll down and take a look…
